I Am Dave's Battered Psyche.

People who know me well will immediately recognize the truth of this statement: I don't like myself. I have not made wise decisions. I do not do the right thing for the right reasons sometimes. I am not selfless. I am not honest all the time. I am not as compassionate as id like to be. I used to fear my father. Now I resent him slightly. I love my mom, but she makes me uncomfortable because I feel guilty. Ive treated friends in ways you cant apologize for ever, and have had trouble feeling bad about that. These things bother me, because *I* am really the only one I can blame for the decisions ive made. I'd love to say aliens abducted me, or the governement did tests on me to make me a loser.....truth is though, a scared kid does lots of stupid shit. I dont have a plan for my life, because if I did have one id just abandon it. Im not sure how i'd ever deal with success, because I dont ever really experience it. Ive convinced myself that I have been Beaten. I am Done. Do Not Pass Go. Do NOT Collect 200 dollars. Im tired all the time. Being defeatist does that to you. And the worst part is that my apathy is so cyclic. I know there are things I could do to help myself out, but part of me is just CERTAIN that those things wouldnt work. I dont care about much anymore. I have physical problems. I worry about myself all the time. But in a distracted...like "looking at fish you dont feed regularly in an aquarium" way. I'm so disconnected. It would annoy me if I could gather up the energy. This post means relatively little. It's more or less just removing some of that blue fluff from my psyche's dryer filter. And really, that sounded close to some sort of apology...which annoys the crap outta me. So having accomplished......whatever it is I felt I accomplished here, I shall now go make lunch.


Later.