Justice League Of WTF Were We Thinking?

I'm sure every geek comedian worth his weight in back issues of Fantastic Four knows that everyone has a bit about The Justice League....But now I have to say something. You see, I was perusing my older comics....And I saw an issue where Superman and The Flash are fighting next to a guy named Plastic Man. .....Now...In case this monicker is somehow unclear as to the exact nature of his contribution to the team....Plastic Man can stretch. That's vaguely cool I suppose, and they let him do things like glide and change his appearance. Sure, sure, whatever. However...Well, perhaps we should go down the roster. Then you can see what I mean.
We have:

Superman. Superman is at the top of this list, because this magnificent bastard pretty much carries the whole god damned team. Seriously. I mean sometimes you kind of get the impression that the JLA couldn't open a jar of pickles if Superman wasn't around. I mean, the guy has it all....Super strength, super speed, heat vision, laser eyes, super cold breath, flight, x ray vision, and he's damn near indestructible. I mean other members of the team can only contribute one of these powers, and he's expert in the use of all of them. Not to mention the fact that his greatest weakness resided on a planet that was conveniently blown to smithereens. Which actually isn't that impressive....Because apparently lots of people can get their hands on Kryptonite in a pinch. Whatever. Regardless, the guy is a powerhouse, and he has a moral code that would put the cast of 7th Heaven to shame.

Wonderwoman: She's come into her own quite a bit. She has gifts from the gods....superspeed, flight, super strength...Durable, a magical lasso, and a kick ass invisible jet. Or she did have one. Maybe she sold it. That's besides the point. The real thing she brings to the team are a decent mix of powers and a woman's sensibilities. Also, she looks pretty hot in her outfit. Just sayin'.

Martian Manhunter: Now here's a dude with some nifty powers. He's pretty strong, fairly durable, he flies, shapeshifts, can become intangible, *and* he's telepathic. That's some heavy artillery there people. Also, he too is this last of his kind, so he's a great dude for Supes to go out and have a beer with when he's feeling needy. I like this dude pretty well. However, he does have one huge weakness - fire. Which is kind of a downer. I mean you or I could live with this problem pretty well. But J'onn (That's what his friends call him), see, he fights crime. Not just your average pussies either. The JLA doesn't get cats out of trees. It goes to war with alien races and such. Which is really gonna suck for The Manhunter if the alien race in question has mastered the concept of fire. Not to mention the fact that it really puts a dampener on his ability to save people during a cataclysm. I mean, If you're in a burning building...You're probably gonna be hoping for Superman's ice breath, or maybe a coolant bat-a-rang, not a look of helpless torment from a shrugging, distraught looking Martian.

The Flash: Now here's where things start getting a little shakey. Don't get me wrong now - I like The Flash. He's one of the wittiest of the JLA. He gets off some good one liners. He also has super speed, and I believe he's even marginally faster than Superman. Therein lies the problem though. Ya see, Superman and Wonder Woman are super fast too. They also have other things in their repetoire like super strength, and flight. It makes you feel kind of bad for The Flash. It's not that he doesn't do his one thing well. No one can say he shirks his super speed duties, it's just that he's a one trick pony. Still. He does manage to get away with wearing a costume with ear fins, and you have to respect that.

The Green Lantern: I like the concept of this guy. He has a power ring, and anything he imagines he can make into being with said power ring. It sounds like a good deal. But it seems like the ring is always being given to people with anger management issues, no imagination, or people prone to things like....Death. See, The Green Lantern is like a position handed out by these fellows called The Gaurdians. Think of galaxies as counties, and each galaxy has sheriffs, and The Green Lantern Corps is made up of these space sheriffs. Aaaaaaaaanywho, for a long time the big weakness these rings had was the color....Yellow. Which I guess means if you painted your ray gun yellow, and it shot yellow beams, you were a big threat to galactic security. I hear that later this was changed to......Wood. So if I have a baseball bat, I can knock the snot out of you, and your big green hand you made is not going to squash me. Ah yes. The big green hand. Now, as I said, anything you imagine you can make into being with this hand, as long as you don't mind the color green and concentration headaches. So you could make a green gun, or a green army of pixies, or a green whale to drop on someone, as long as you understood the nature of said thing. With the exception of Kyle Rayner, most lanterns would just make big ass hands to slap at the bad guys, or like, green horses to ride on, or you know....Pretty whitebread shite like that. That's not going to make the galaxy's mightiest threats fear you. That's going to get your ass kicked. You need like an emerald chainsaw, or hummer or something. Also, Lanterns suffer from bad times. One has died, or rather, I think several have, two have retired, one went crazy and tried to destroy the Universe (Kudos there Hal Jordan), and who knows what all has happened to the countless other Corps members. Anyway, That's why we aren't giving the Green Lantern a lot of love here. You dropped the ball Lantern. You dropped the ball.
The Green Arrow: This is a man who has devoted himself to the eradication of crime. He's out to kick ass and chew bubble gum. But apparently on his way to buy a pack of gum, he passes a pawn shop selling bows, and it occurs to him how freakin' awesome he'd look in green merry men tights, shooting trick arrows at people. I feel a little more dirty now after having sullied myself with the phrase "trick arrows". Net arrows, Fire retardant arrows, Sonic arrows, Drill arrows, Ice Arrows, Stun Arrows, Gimme-A-Freakin' break arrows. He's apparently quite nimble as well. I think he's also supposed to be wealthy. I'd have researched him more, but to be honest, I have a hard time taking this dude that seriously. I mean, come on, he shoots arrows. Trick arrows. I mean, just saying it sounds funny. "Trick arrows".

Batman: You may have noticed that I have included Bats as #7 in our roster here. This was not unintentional. I like Batman. I do. The problem is - Batman has no super powers. Which wouldn't bother me at all if this were the Teen Titans, or The Outsiders, or some such less impressive group of his peers. But this is the JLA man, this is major league time, and while Batman maybe be a major player in his own right? I don't see him contributing much in a battle with planet destroying aliens, or ancient super powered beings. Remember Doomsday anyone? The guy that was beating the tar out of Superman and The Justice League back in the day? You notice how Bats was a conspicuously absent? As I was saying, I like Batman, but I'm not sure if he's right for The League. He does have a disgusting amount of money though, which has to come in handy when the ol Justice Tower needs refurbishing, and he seems to be pretty intelligent. Which is kind of important here. I mean, I put Superman at the top of the list, but he does strike me as a little......dense sometimes. Also, Batman is like the gadget master. I mean, this guy is like the MacGuyver of crime fighting, if you give him a boomerang, a smoke alarm, and the insides of an amp, he'll have a sonic boomerang just perfect for that crystalline entity. Let us not also overlook, that he has a cool outfit. Which really isn't very important at all, but isn't that thing cool? Basic black? Classic, yet elegant, and as camouflaged for his urban jaunts? Brilliant.

Aquaman: acumen lost his left hand and has a cool liquid metal thing there instead. He's also the ruler of Atlantis. He can speak to fish too. Aquaman is marginally cooler now that the people writing him really enjoy bringing to play the fact that he's ruler of his own kingdom. I mean, having lackeys is fun. Political intrigue involving underwater denizens gets a little shakey for me though. Also....Well, the main problem with Aquaman is that, of all The Leaguers, He's just a little too specialized. I mean when the gang gets together to go fight Lex Luthors newest giant robot menagerie at his new mountain top installation...Well...Aquaman isn't really gonna be helping out much there, despite the fact that he offers to carry a bucket of squid with himself into battle. But the team doesn't really have the heart to turn him away, because he's an excellent cook. Plus, everytime they leave the ready room; Aquaman hits them with that stupid, vacant, slightly endearing "Can I come?" smile...And it's all they can do to just quickly rush out the door, while his eyes damn the back of their heads as they leave.

Plastic Man: He's plastic, man. I will say that he's one of the funnier league members. Trying to say much else of note about him would be stretching it though. Yes. That hurt me a little bit inside.

Hawkman: Can fly. With the help of a suit. Apparently he's also rich, and something of a scientist. Whatever.

The Atom: Man. I really, really want to like The Atom. The problem here is much the same as my issue with Aquaman - The Atom is just too specialized. They can't ever come up with something for The Atom to do that doesn't just seem completely contrived. I keep waiting for Batman to put The Atom in a pouch on his belt and start referring to him as Lockpick, or maybe Remote Device.

So there you have it. My issues with The League. It took me longer than you'd think to make this post. Days even.

Black dark wet slithering.....

..Rage has been known to over take me at times. For many reasons. But now one of my biggest anger management issues is the car radio. An open note to the music enthusiast: I am glad that you own what you feel is a nice car. It's nice to know you put aside the money for the stereo system in said car. Please enjoy your music. Hell, crank it if you feel the need......However. Do not blare your music outside my window. How loud is too loud? It's a simple test. If your music makes me window shake, it's too loud. That's a decent amount of leeway you understand. Because even hearing your stereo makes me mad. So that's really quite generous of me. The thing that bothers me is the inherent...challenge in blasting your music. Sure...You're enjoying it...But let's face it....You're also curious as to if it will bug me. Also, what do you care? Chances are always in your favor that I won't say anything, because that's one of the flaws of polite society. It's a catch 22. You are being impolite by blaring your music. But I'd nervous about asking you to turn it down, because what if you said no? I mean what do I do then? Call the police? Also, why is it that minorities, and you'll forgive what I consider only a slight generalization, seem to be the worst offenders? And to further single them out, I mainly refer to black people. People who's biggest beef is being harassed..............did I miss something there? Also, have you ever noticed that usually the music being blasted is rap? I find this a little strange. It's like rap has become the anthem of car radio enthusiasts. If I were in my humpty....Well I'd be within my rights to broadcast some tears for fears or toadies or what have you. I just don't get it. And people can't explain it to me entirely to my satisfaction. So the next time you pass a dude slamming a little "Video killed the radio star" down on you, be sure to give me a wave.

So you say you wanna be a Quest Super Star, Big horse, five swords?

I have already made previous mention of my problem with certain types of games on a previous post. It seems however that I overlooked something: Adventure games. I like adventure games. I enjoy the acquisition of new items and the implementation of them against my foes and or fiendishly clever puzzle rooms. Not that most of them end up fiendishly clever, but I digress. One of the most iconic adventure game stars when I was a kid....Heck to present day even....Is Link, of Legend of Zelda fame? I think he's been in one or two other games as well. I like this guy, I sympathize with his plight. He is a character stripped of choice and control of or over his destiny, and thrust into a quest not of his own choosing. What's that you say? Link is a hero? Link does what's right despite all consequence? Or maybe, MAYBE he is a beleaguered village youth.
In his first game, The Legend of Zelda, Link see a woman being beset upon by nefariously pixellated scum, and dispatches them. After all, he'd already seen it happening...And he felt uncomfortable with just strolling on by. He felt guilty. And there's the question of common decency. And hey....Maybe she knew where he could find that pesky bow. This was not the case, as the young lady...Who's name was imp, well it just so turns out that she's the PRINCESS'S handmaiden! Good stuff! At this point Link is certain she'll know where he can find a bow, courts are FULL of bows....And yet...She seemed to be looking into his eyes...And telling him something about being Anon. No....No that's not quite right. Something about Ganon. Impa was telling him he needed to find all these pieces of something called the Triforce of Wisdom. Because apparently this Zelda thought'd be a good idea to smash it and hide the pieces. At this point our man Link gets excited. He inquires if Impa has one of these pieces. That'd be something to show the village! She says no.....But starts to direct him vaguely to one of the pieces. It is at this point that Link becomes alarmed. Why was she telling him this? He did her a favor. So to repay him, Impa charges him with some sort of QUEST? Link found that this really chafed. Impa was saying something else now though....Something about.....how pretty the Princess was. Yes, that's right, Pretty and Grateful entered the conversation. Link reluctantly started to cave at this point. Those were two of his favorite words...and she was giving him a small bit of money. She was also telling him something about an old wise man. And something called heart containers. How ludicrous. Impa is ecstatic with the agreement of Link to help the kingdom of Hyrule to defeat Ganon, and bids him luck. Our hero nods, and with reluctant vigilance, sets out on his path to glory.

This is a theme post. Further installments of my takes on Link's adventures will arrive at my discretion. So, tough titty.

Particles

I'm pretty much a guy of routine. I hadn't necessarily thought about it before, but it's undeniable true. I do the same set of things each day. I pack my day with very little, but seem to prefer it that way. I say seem to, because occasionally I get bored, but I break it up with fits of worry, or very slight bursts of energy. Over all I'm pretty comfortable.....But that's actually kind of a lie isn't it? There are things I don't like about my life.....But I don't change them, because I'm just not down with change. This is of course, not to say that I am incapable of change, in the last few years I've made positive changes in my life in addition to the stagnation I feel. I'm not even asking for advice really, because I am the maker of my own path. I was simply bemused earlier, when I went to a friends blog earlier, and saw that she had talked with a someone I used to know. I didn't like that person for awhile.....But really now I have no ill will. It also got me thinking about how much, and how little things change with time. I mean it's strange isn't it? I have trouble looking for inspiration for much in my life, but I notice that my friends seem to be doing better, and I feel pride for them. I'm in a strange mood today really. I say today, but I really mean lately. My apathy is at the forefront lately. Mayhaps it's just the weather. It's certainly not doing much for this rambling is it? C'est la vie.......
In other news, my boss Karl has a sister. A sister that I do not like. She and her husband get an obscene amount of money each month, on account of the fact that her husband is connected to an oil family. So they get something of an allowance if you will. It's in the 5 digit range. Per month. And these people are dumb and to make it worse, selfish. Now this bothers me, because they don't really invest it, they cant get jobs, or wont, and they are having trouble living on the sum they have. Holy crap. Also, Karl's sister will pitch fits, and throw her wedding ring out of the car window. Like several months ago when she decided tossing a 5,000 dollar ring out on the side of the highway would be ok because well.....She could always just get another one. I feel the need to steal from these people. To free them of the burden of their wealth. To scam them...Much as Robin Hood might....In order that I might get give from them, the richer, unto me, the poorer. They are extremely religious on top of being dumb. Did I mention that? These people are ripe for the plucking. So the idea I had was to sell them particle free air. What is particle free air you ask? I'm so glad you did! You see, people get sick....Most often times sick in their houses (If you read the appropriately skewed medical papers).......Due to too many particles in the air. The problem is, you see, that particles can be made of anything really can't they? I mean....We can't ever be sure what we're breathing in at any time can we? That's why I provide this surface...Yes indeed. You see....All you need to do is just gently remove the out side packaging of this box....Without disturbing the seal....That's it, and then you carefully use the complimentary box cutter to place incisions in the clearly marked "saturation portals" the slight hissing you hear from the specially lined package inside is the escape of the Particle Free Air into your house. The PFA from this point will then neutralize up to three of the rooms in your house....For up to 10 days! This first box is only 30 dollars. After this one, you can buy the bigger full house boxes for 80 dollars a piece. And the system works! If you don't notice how breathable your air is afterwards? We'll give you most of your money back!
Particle free air. Help your house breathe easier.

The wheels, the wheels they aaarrreee a tuuuurnin'........

Blogging, is a strange thing. You start it just for kicks, and people read it, and then they are all like "You need to post again." Thereby tacking on a level of responisibility you weren't neccesarily shooting for.......but at the same time part of you feels warm and fuzzy because someone is urging you to post again because they found something about your blog entertaning. Or suppose you post something in your blog that someone takes issue with? That's a double edged sword in particular, because you probably wrote whatever it was out of a sentiment to amuse, enlighten, or grouse upon....and if they don't like it...well you can't very well say sorry can you?

Ah, another 4th of July is behind me. I hope you enjoyed your yearly shout out America. That having been said, I can't honestly remember exactly when I lost interest in celebrating the 4th. Also.....I dunno....I mean it seems like the 4th of July is kind of like...I dunno....Easter. I mean it's fun, everyone has a good time - but the customs don't necessarily stand up to close scrutiny. That's not entirely fair though I suppose. I mean...Rocket's red glare, flag was still there = set some rockets off. Whereas Christian peoples really enjoy chocolate eggs, so they slapped the Death of Christ tag on what I think was a pagan holiday...So that they could sort of just say it coincides. Eddie Izzard is the man to look for for a better take on that whole rant. I have some friends who are Mormon. I wonder if Easter is a big deal for them.........
Where was I? Oh yeah. Public safety. People. Signal your lane changes and turns. You don't even have to be a good driver for any other reason. When you slow down inexplicably, back up without looking, or park in a fire lane......I'll give you all of these. Just signal. Or, and more to the point....Please, please don't change lanes in the midst of a turn at a busy intersection. Note that I even gave you an out. If it's NOT busy, do what you like! But when it's busy, and you put my life in danger like that? It makes me so angry the blood in my face boils. I think it does anyway. I cant really speak on the factuality of that, because I think that might kill someone in reality. But it's the closest approximation I can think of. Anyway, signaling is an idea we can all get behind you know? And I can't stress this enough- No one is asking you to drive better! Heaven's no! Just signal properly, so people can deduce your crackpot schemes ahead of time.
Let's see.... ..... ....... Ah. Yes, if you are going to play a game of Super Smash Brothers Melee, and my roommate smiles agreeably at you- be afraid. Be very afraid. While I did ok, I must of my own free will admit that he was better. Josh fell into his old rhythm of kicking butt fairly quickly. It made me think back to when Andy and Cainnum would be with us too. He's very good at that game, and he weathered my complaints of blaming it on the levels with quiet dignity.
Also, I dunno if you read this blog Richard. But I loathe you sir. You do not deserve to win.
I think that about wraps up this post. If it seemed a little abrupt- Don't worry! It was!
For lunch today I had a Dr. Pepper.
Peace out.