Justice League Of WTF Were We Thinking?

I'm sure every geek comedian worth his weight in back issues of Fantastic Four knows that everyone has a bit about The Justice League....But now I have to say something. You see, I was perusing my older comics....And I saw an issue where Superman and The Flash are fighting next to a guy named Plastic Man. .....Now...In case this monicker is somehow unclear as to the exact nature of his contribution to the team....Plastic Man can stretch. That's vaguely cool I suppose, and they let him do things like glide and change his appearance. Sure, sure, whatever. However...Well, perhaps we should go down the roster. Then you can see what I mean.
We have:

Superman. Superman is at the top of this list, because this magnificent bastard pretty much carries the whole god damned team. Seriously. I mean sometimes you kind of get the impression that the JLA couldn't open a jar of pickles if Superman wasn't around. I mean, the guy has it all....Super strength, super speed, heat vision, laser eyes, super cold breath, flight, x ray vision, and he's damn near indestructible. I mean other members of the team can only contribute one of these powers, and he's expert in the use of all of them. Not to mention the fact that his greatest weakness resided on a planet that was conveniently blown to smithereens. Which actually isn't that impressive....Because apparently lots of people can get their hands on Kryptonite in a pinch. Whatever. Regardless, the guy is a powerhouse, and he has a moral code that would put the cast of 7th Heaven to shame.

Wonderwoman: She's come into her own quite a bit. She has gifts from the gods....superspeed, flight, super strength...Durable, a magical lasso, and a kick ass invisible jet. Or she did have one. Maybe she sold it. That's besides the point. The real thing she brings to the team are a decent mix of powers and a woman's sensibilities. Also, she looks pretty hot in her outfit. Just sayin'.

Martian Manhunter: Now here's a dude with some nifty powers. He's pretty strong, fairly durable, he flies, shapeshifts, can become intangible, *and* he's telepathic. That's some heavy artillery there people. Also, he too is this last of his kind, so he's a great dude for Supes to go out and have a beer with when he's feeling needy. I like this dude pretty well. However, he does have one huge weakness - fire. Which is kind of a downer. I mean you or I could live with this problem pretty well. But J'onn (That's what his friends call him), see, he fights crime. Not just your average pussies either. The JLA doesn't get cats out of trees. It goes to war with alien races and such. Which is really gonna suck for The Manhunter if the alien race in question has mastered the concept of fire. Not to mention the fact that it really puts a dampener on his ability to save people during a cataclysm. I mean, If you're in a burning building...You're probably gonna be hoping for Superman's ice breath, or maybe a coolant bat-a-rang, not a look of helpless torment from a shrugging, distraught looking Martian.

The Flash: Now here's where things start getting a little shakey. Don't get me wrong now - I like The Flash. He's one of the wittiest of the JLA. He gets off some good one liners. He also has super speed, and I believe he's even marginally faster than Superman. Therein lies the problem though. Ya see, Superman and Wonder Woman are super fast too. They also have other things in their repetoire like super strength, and flight. It makes you feel kind of bad for The Flash. It's not that he doesn't do his one thing well. No one can say he shirks his super speed duties, it's just that he's a one trick pony. Still. He does manage to get away with wearing a costume with ear fins, and you have to respect that.

The Green Lantern: I like the concept of this guy. He has a power ring, and anything he imagines he can make into being with said power ring. It sounds like a good deal. But it seems like the ring is always being given to people with anger management issues, no imagination, or people prone to things like....Death. See, The Green Lantern is like a position handed out by these fellows called The Gaurdians. Think of galaxies as counties, and each galaxy has sheriffs, and The Green Lantern Corps is made up of these space sheriffs. Aaaaaaaaanywho, for a long time the big weakness these rings had was the color....Yellow. Which I guess means if you painted your ray gun yellow, and it shot yellow beams, you were a big threat to galactic security. I hear that later this was changed to......Wood. So if I have a baseball bat, I can knock the snot out of you, and your big green hand you made is not going to squash me. Ah yes. The big green hand. Now, as I said, anything you imagine you can make into being with this hand, as long as you don't mind the color green and concentration headaches. So you could make a green gun, or a green army of pixies, or a green whale to drop on someone, as long as you understood the nature of said thing. With the exception of Kyle Rayner, most lanterns would just make big ass hands to slap at the bad guys, or like, green horses to ride on, or you know....Pretty whitebread shite like that. That's not going to make the galaxy's mightiest threats fear you. That's going to get your ass kicked. You need like an emerald chainsaw, or hummer or something. Also, Lanterns suffer from bad times. One has died, or rather, I think several have, two have retired, one went crazy and tried to destroy the Universe (Kudos there Hal Jordan), and who knows what all has happened to the countless other Corps members. Anyway, That's why we aren't giving the Green Lantern a lot of love here. You dropped the ball Lantern. You dropped the ball.
The Green Arrow: This is a man who has devoted himself to the eradication of crime. He's out to kick ass and chew bubble gum. But apparently on his way to buy a pack of gum, he passes a pawn shop selling bows, and it occurs to him how freakin' awesome he'd look in green merry men tights, shooting trick arrows at people. I feel a little more dirty now after having sullied myself with the phrase "trick arrows". Net arrows, Fire retardant arrows, Sonic arrows, Drill arrows, Ice Arrows, Stun Arrows, Gimme-A-Freakin' break arrows. He's apparently quite nimble as well. I think he's also supposed to be wealthy. I'd have researched him more, but to be honest, I have a hard time taking this dude that seriously. I mean, come on, he shoots arrows. Trick arrows. I mean, just saying it sounds funny. "Trick arrows".

Batman: You may have noticed that I have included Bats as #7 in our roster here. This was not unintentional. I like Batman. I do. The problem is - Batman has no super powers. Which wouldn't bother me at all if this were the Teen Titans, or The Outsiders, or some such less impressive group of his peers. But this is the JLA man, this is major league time, and while Batman maybe be a major player in his own right? I don't see him contributing much in a battle with planet destroying aliens, or ancient super powered beings. Remember Doomsday anyone? The guy that was beating the tar out of Superman and The Justice League back in the day? You notice how Bats was a conspicuously absent? As I was saying, I like Batman, but I'm not sure if he's right for The League. He does have a disgusting amount of money though, which has to come in handy when the ol Justice Tower needs refurbishing, and he seems to be pretty intelligent. Which is kind of important here. I mean, I put Superman at the top of the list, but he does strike me as a little......dense sometimes. Also, Batman is like the gadget master. I mean, this guy is like the MacGuyver of crime fighting, if you give him a boomerang, a smoke alarm, and the insides of an amp, he'll have a sonic boomerang just perfect for that crystalline entity. Let us not also overlook, that he has a cool outfit. Which really isn't very important at all, but isn't that thing cool? Basic black? Classic, yet elegant, and as camouflaged for his urban jaunts? Brilliant.

Aquaman: acumen lost his left hand and has a cool liquid metal thing there instead. He's also the ruler of Atlantis. He can speak to fish too. Aquaman is marginally cooler now that the people writing him really enjoy bringing to play the fact that he's ruler of his own kingdom. I mean, having lackeys is fun. Political intrigue involving underwater denizens gets a little shakey for me though. Also....Well, the main problem with Aquaman is that, of all The Leaguers, He's just a little too specialized. I mean when the gang gets together to go fight Lex Luthors newest giant robot menagerie at his new mountain top installation...Well...Aquaman isn't really gonna be helping out much there, despite the fact that he offers to carry a bucket of squid with himself into battle. But the team doesn't really have the heart to turn him away, because he's an excellent cook. Plus, everytime they leave the ready room; Aquaman hits them with that stupid, vacant, slightly endearing "Can I come?" smile...And it's all they can do to just quickly rush out the door, while his eyes damn the back of their heads as they leave.

Plastic Man: He's plastic, man. I will say that he's one of the funnier league members. Trying to say much else of note about him would be stretching it though. Yes. That hurt me a little bit inside.

Hawkman: Can fly. With the help of a suit. Apparently he's also rich, and something of a scientist. Whatever.

The Atom: Man. I really, really want to like The Atom. The problem here is much the same as my issue with Aquaman - The Atom is just too specialized. They can't ever come up with something for The Atom to do that doesn't just seem completely contrived. I keep waiting for Batman to put The Atom in a pouch on his belt and start referring to him as Lockpick, or maybe Remote Device.

So there you have it. My issues with The League. It took me longer than you'd think to make this post. Days even.